Post by I <3 Menina! on Apr 18, 2008 17:45:18 GMT -5
www.lol.com/joke/show/1128
www.lol.com/joke/show/1126
www.lol.com/joke/show/1131
www.lol.com/joke/show/1123
www.lol.com/joke/show/1113 (And we thought warriors was fictional!)
Things to do in an elevator
1)When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you. 2)Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3)Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4)Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. 5)Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?” 6)Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!” 7)Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8 )Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 9)Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 10)Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 11)Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12)Ask, “Did you feel that?” 13)Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14)When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s OK, don’t panic, they open again!” 15)Swat at flies that don’t exist. 16)Tell people that you can see their aura. 17)Call out, “Group Hug!” and then enforce it. 18.)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!” 19)Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?” 20)Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21)Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “Your one of THEM!” and back away slowly. 22)Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23)Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 24)Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25)Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have new socks on.” 26)Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!”
Test for dementia
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?Third Question: Very tricky maths coming up! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask
So simple!
Killing Time at Wal-Mart
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/friend is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms/tampons and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares ….. and see what happens.
4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
5. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
8. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
( And last ~ but not least!)
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Toilet Cleaning Instructions
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and out the door where he will dry himself.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
From, The Dog
test
ok here is a test…..
ok so there is a one story house that is blue. everything in it is blue. the curtains are blue the floor is blue the windows are blue the ceiling is blue the walls are blue the kichen is blue the bathroom is blue the closets are blue the toilet is blue the sinks are blue the tiles are blue the couches are blue the chairs are blue the tables are blue the food is blue the drinks are blue and so on and so on… everything is blue.
Q: what is color are the stairs?
A: they arent any color… its a one story house remember???
if you got that wrong you might want to check your hair color…